I shouldn’t love you, but I do

I shouldn’t love you
But I do
I could say that I don’t
And know it isn’t true
Sometimes I wish I didn’t
Sometimes I don’t know
How I do
I could lie
Pretend to defy
what I feel
but instead
I think I’ll just
Be me
and who I am
Stupidly,
I’ll always try
To be a good friend

I guess there isn’t
very much
in such
a sad and small
little world
that ends up
equalling anything
at the end of the day
not tomorrow
not yesterday
and as far as I am concerned
Not even today
I don’t have much peace
with the thought
of wasting
what time we have
before one of us
loses the other
when I think of that
I honestly can’t find
any reasons that
are good enough
to spend the life
we live apart
from anyone we’ve ever
let inside out heart
when someday
the separation won’t end
someday
we’ll run out of time
to make amends

I’m glad I don’t do to you
some of the things
you have done to me
but I want you to know
that I really don’t
judge you by your actions
or think any thing less
of you for anything
I don’t want you to
waste time feeling
guilt or regretting
I’d rather you just kept
my heart in mind
when you do things
that could crush
or fuck with it
and if sometimes
you don’t
I won’t
let it mean
we have to lose
each other

I just want to know you
while we’re here
I try really hard
to make it clear
what I feel
matters most
that through good and bad
we don’t end up alone
I may feel anger
and I do
And I be in a lot of pain
from being hurt by
things you do

I might feel all alone
but I’m not
and I haven’t forgot
that the love I feel
makes the scars of
every dark thing
that I’ve felt
Melt
And just drip away
day by day
I will try not to take
too much time
to get over
whatever stupidity
wedges its way
between us
no matter what
no matter what you do
something you will
always have
is me
whatever that’s worth
or however much that means
all I really ever want
is for you to know that
so instead of lying to us both
I’ll just keep trying
to show that

Marc my words…

So about a week ago now, I caught up with Marcus again. We hadn’t seen each other at all in six months. He called me right after I went to Mike’s. Guess he was there right afterwards and Mike gave him my number. Anyways, we’ve hung out together a few times since then. We’ve managed not to fight at all yet, which is really nice. It’s like the old days. When we first met. Before all the hideous fighting, screaming, bullying, stealing, hitting and hurting. I have been trying really hard to do my part in not going down that path with him again. I think he’s been trying a lot too. I know that neither of us want to revisit any of that.

It was really good to see him again. I never stopped loving him, of course. I missed him a lot. I was really upset over some silly little things he said to me, but he explained his reason for saying them and it was actually legitimate. I had sort of forgotten about something that I had done right before that was kind of shitty of me, and I understand that he had been hurt by something I did that was careless and was saying them because of that. So I am not angry about it now at all. It feels much better to have no anger and no hurt and to have him back in my life again.

Anyways, I don’t really think I want to say much more. Well, I do…I have a lot more that I want to type here, but I think that the world should only be told so much of every story…never know who may be reading.

Love you, Marcus.

-Ashly

Rick is gone

Rick is gone. He’s been gone for weeks, maybe almost a month now. I am dead without him. A huge part of me has become roadkill somewhere between here and New Mexico. It hurts thinking about it right now, at almost two in the morning as I type this in the dark with Bub curled up under a blanket on the other end of this couch. God, I miss him. Like I absolutely cannot put into words. There are some things of an intensity that no words exist to describe them. I like to think it is because the world has never known them before, but I don’t think I really believe that. It’s just a silly egotistical thought. I guess I’m guilty of having a few of those, but at least I’m aware of it. I do think that I am able to feel more than most people. I don’t know if that’s really a good thing for me, but I am fairly certain it is the truth. For the most part, I think it blows. I would rather not have such a great capacity to feel, because the pain always swallows its happiness and leaves me with nothing to do but hurt. It’s like the better something is, the worse it eventually is for me. I tend to try and avoid relationships with people, or at least ones in which I would be vulnerable or have to trust another person with my emotions, which I rarely do. I don’t have nearly enough faith in the world to do something as stupid as that. But Rick has been the only exception to that in my entire life. He really has never let me down (still) and I have never really questioned whether or not he loves and/or cares about me, because I have just always known. He shows it well. He’s not from this world. I think he’s from mine. Or I’m from his. Or we come from the same place. I do know we happen to exist on the same wave length, I’ve known that since we met. That night when I went crazy crying hysterically and he was holding me and trying to calm me down, after telling me that he was going to go back to New Mexico, I told him that I loved him as much as I had always wanted someone to love me. I asked him if that made sense, and he said yes. I think he knew what I meant. But I wonder if he could possibly understand the importance of it to me, of how great it was, that I would do anything for him. I hope he knows how much I love him, because if he doesn’t then I am a failure at caring for someone who I care about more than almost anyone in the world.

I don’t want to go into great detail about the day he left, but it wasn’t pleasant at all. He actually hadn’t planned on leaving that day, but we got into an ugly argument, mostly because I blew up at him and acted like a total cunt, which I of course regret. It was really stupid of me. I was a hideous, it was wrong. I guess I just snapped. So saying goodbye was kind of awkward, I wanted to tell him how much I love him and hold him but I felt like I had no right to do that after making such an ass out of myself. We did remind each other that we were loved, and then he went into the bus station, and I drove off with Bub, headed to the coast to stay with my parents for a couple of days. In a fucked up way, I think we both in some way are okay with the way he left, because it certainly made it easier to say goodbye (not really easier, but superficially). I would have been nothing but a big bleeding broken heart making a mess all over the place if we hadn’t been arguing. I don’t know if I could have handled it. I’m sure Rick would have dealt with it much better than I did, but he has told me several times that he hates goodbyes too.

I have seriously been considering moving down there to stay with him. I really don’t think I would like it down there in NM, but who knows? I survived at the coast through some of the worst years of life, so I could pretty much take myself out of wherever I am and get lost in smaller realities within my own. I don’t think it would matter much where it was, it could probably be anywhere in the world and as long as he is there, I would be happy there with him. Got a few things I have to finish taking care of here first, if I decide to go. I think I will, at least just to visit. I can’t go too long without seeing him, or I will fade away completely. I really would. As strong as I am (because I am) and as bright as I glow, as vital as I may seem, he has understood me in a way that no other soul on this planet has ever come close to doing, and to have him and lose him would be more than enough to drain me dead.

I love you, Rick. I love you as much as I’ve always wanted someone to love me. Thank you…so much.

-Mona

Better ride this ride while I’m on it…

This is not done…
This is for you, Rick. I wasn’t going to post it unfinished, but I got stuck for some reason and if I don’t post it now it may never make it on here. I have much more to say, and I will.

It’s nighttime where I am
What does it look like
Where you are?
Here where I am
It’s too dark to see
Much of anything
If there is even
Anything there

Maybe when it
Gets light
It will reveal
A world as empty
As I feel
I know I’ve lost you
But I can’t
Let it be real

Not yet
The hurting
Is on hold
On the other end
Of the line
Across the thousands
Of miles between
your world
and mine

But since it is
Pain meant for me
It’s impatient like I am
And it warns me
That it won’t hold for long
After it agrees to wait
It reminds me
That I’m not as strong
Now that I’m
Without you

I wish it wouldn’t
Start at all
Because I know
Once it does
I can’t stop it
I wish it would see
How little I have left
And out of mercy
Overlook me
But it won’t

And I won’t
Know what to do
Love like this
Isn’t even love
There is no way
To say it
There are no words
For what it weighs
To lose it
Or betray it

I know you know this
But I’m sorry
For everything
That made it
Come untrue
For everything
I could have done
But didn’t
Couldn’t
Or wouldn’t do
I’m sorry that
I couldn’t keep alive
What we had
That made me feel
Alive
But I hope you know
How hard I tried
I know you know
How hard I cried
And I want you to know
I will cry like that
Again

And it won’t be
The same as when
You were there to
Hold me
And to be there
As my witness
To see
How I feel
Rather than just
Hearing it
How I say it

I wanted you to see
In every tear
that I meant
every word you hear
When I tell you
How much I love you
I wanted my sobbing
And the sound of my
Heart aching
To tell you
What it meant
If you left
And what you’d be taking
almost everything

I know
I had to let you go
But so many
Slaughters ago
My heart was doing
Better than you’re
Leaving it now

Like a giant wave
With a whirpool
To be my grave
Rising and gathering
My heart is stuck
In the tidal wave’s
Crush
As it crashes
And turns to ashes
Against a bed
Of deadly rocks

The storm
Is formed
Around the

interrupted somewhere in mid-bloom…

I know I’ve said this a million times before, but it’s really over this time. I don’t love Kevin anymore. At least not in the sense that I used to. I said I would love him forever, and I meant that. I will. But I don’t love him like I did at all anymore. I have let go. There is nothing he could do or say to me that would affect me adversely. I am free of the vulnerability that comes with loving someone as much as I did him. I’m not even sure why I decided to fall right back into the same disaster with him, after being separated for several months. As much as I may have wanted things to work with him, I had a hard time convincing myself that it would become a reality. He sure likes to talk about things and never do them. I was very patient about almost everything when it came to us. But after so long, you just start to see where something is going and where it isn’t going.

I feel like I’ve wasted a couple years of my life that I can’t have back. I spent them trying to “get somewhere” with Kevin, because I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. That reminds me…the last time I saw him, he started talking about how lonely and bleak things were for him around the time that we met, and at other points since then. He started to cry a little even, as he told me that I had saved his life. It was precious. I loved him more at that moment than I could have felt love for anything else. So I said: “I think I saved it so you could spend the rest of it with me.” He was quiet for a second, then he repeated my words very softly and just said “wow” afterwards. I am looking for that moment right now. I’m holding onto it as tightly as I held on to him that night, the last time we saw each other. It meant something then, even if it doesn’t now.

I guess that I had hoped for progress by now. It’s been two and half years since we met and got together, or sort of got together. It was almost that long ago that he asked me to marry him, and I said yes. Obviously that never happened. I guess he didn’t take the question very seriously. Or didn’t think I would say yes. Either way, I think it was wrong of him to throw it around so carelessly. Anyhow. I didn’t have any unrealistic goals for 2 1/2 years into a relationship. I just wanted some sort of progress, whatever that would have been. Instead I have nothing.

That’s not true, actually. I have something even greater than all of that was. Something that was strong and good, and which served me well long before I ever met Kevin or anyone else. Something that will reopen like a flower now that he’s gone, starting right back up blooming like it was when it was interrupted. Me.

I remember being happy right before meeting him. Then there was a brief period of head-over-heels infatuation in which everything was ridiculously good (or seemed to be), you know the kind I mean. Then all the shit started. That’s when the ugliness and pain come into play. They sure can fuck a person’s world up, can’t they? MmmHmmm. So then there’s this long stretch that covers most of the time we spent together, where we are both more or less miserable for most of the time, getting into arguments too frequently to forgive anything before one of us took the next stab and started all over again with it. Then whatever the fuck you want to call this last little pipe-dream delusion that I allowed myself to indulge in for a little while, deciding for some fucking stupid reason that it would be a good idea for me to pour everything I have into being with him and finding a way to stay together forever. Don’t ask me why the fuck I thought that after all the moving in and moving back out, all the fighting, all the cruel words, all the carelessness with one another, I thought it was smart to give anything and everything to him, just so he would know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I love him and that it is unconditional and without end. It didn’t work. But I know it’s not me. It wasn’t because I did something wrong, or didn’t do something that I should have. I know that in my heart, and my mind agrees with it. It is something to do with him. I don’t know what it is, but it doesn’t really matter. For some reason he either doesn’t want what he claimed to want with me, or can’t deal with something necessary in order for that to happen, or maybe he’s just a fucking complete liar that really fucking got the better of me. I don’t like the possibility of that last option. I swear to fucking god, if he was another Chad or David I will hate myself for a little while for letting that happen again. It’s hard for me to believe that I could fall for something like that again. Fuck all three of them.

-Mona

It comes in waves…

I cried last night like I have not cried in…a long time. I didn’t miss it. I woke up this afternoon with my eyes swollen shut, but before I tried to open them I thought for a moment that all the crying had been a bad dream. It was, but it wasn’t.

Rick is leaving. He finally came out and said it the other night. I have been afraid of the tears I knew I would inevitably cry when I had to face that reality. I have been doing my best to distract myself from that, refusing to accept it, putting it off because I didn’t know how I would stop crying once I started. I feel like my heart has broken again, I had kept it safe for a while. Now I am reminded why. I can’t do this shit anymore. I could feel it breaking in my chest, it hurt in the dullest kind of ache that spread out until it filled my rib cage, and I think it was throbbing instead of beating. Rick held me for the longest time, he even started crying after I really lost it. I can’t stand the thought of him going a thousand miles away, I feel like I’m losing him forever. He says I’m not, that he will visit often and reassures me that he isn’t “leaving me.” I won’t let myself believe anything good, I have to prepare myself for the cruel and unmoved effects of both time and distance. They can ruin the most important things within a person’s life. I hate them for that. It’s all really fucked up actually. When I was sobbing and crying and getting my ass kicked by some invisible force that just kept tightening its hands around my heart and wringing it out like a fucking towel that was soaked in all the tears I yielded, I told Rick that I loved him as much as I had always wanted someone to love me. And I do. Because as unwise as it might be, I really do believe that he loves and cares about me. I have thought that with others before, and been tragically mistaken. So much so that I put what I had left of my heart away somewhere that it could feel for things outside of myself, without being very adversely affected by any of those things. There was nothing wrong with that, and it served me well. But Rick is very unique and too special to pass by or merely appreciate without diving head first into loving him completely. I guess I thought a head-first dive would be okay…the love I was falling into was certainly deep enough. Yeah. What I feel for him is the deep end of the pool. You shouldn’t go jumping into it without making sure you can swim all the way from one side of the pool to the other, without getting too tired. If that happens, you drown. There’s no one to save you. You just have to thrash around in that awful panic before you past the point of exhaustion, and become still as you sink to the bottom, letting your lungs fill with water and looking up at the surface of the moving water so far above you. That suffocation is the panic-inspired weight of something intense enough to fucking slay you. I felt it last night. I have felt it sneaking up on me throughout the day. I am doing my best to keep it at bay, just enough to not lose my mind because if I did, I doubt I’d be able to get it back from this sadness.

I didn’t want to be here where I’m at again ever, if I could help it. I guess I can’t. Pretty much the only person that could is going to be a thousand miles away from me soon. There’s no noise I can make, no salty ocean I might cry, no glass-shattering scream that could convey all the pain. I want to go home. Bub is going to miss him too. I trust Rick with Bub more than anyone on this planet other than myself, and that alone speaks volumes. Bub is my baby. Rick is our family. He has been since I got Bubby, over a year ago. He’s been mine even longer. God, it’s going to feel like he has died when he leaves. He will just be gone…and I’ll be stuck here with my memories. All the things we laughed at, which have been a lot. The times I most needed someone to help me in some way, that he was there to help and made me feel cared for. All the weird shit….

trailed off… now the date is February 25th…was interrupted, had to abandon this prematurely…he is leaving in only a few more days…so I’m sure I will be back to spill my fucking deformed heart out all over anyone that happens to come across this and is unfortunate to read it. I’ll probably sound like an EMO kid.

I don’t know what to…call it, and I don’t even know what to say

“so…

this is all going to sound a little crazy, because that’s exactly what it is. I can’t imagine anyone reading this and actually believing so many different catastrophes could happen one after another in such a brief period of time. It will probably sound like a joke, or something right out of an outrageous talk show, like most of my life has turned out to be so far. but I don’t deliver deviations of truth, and although oftentimes a little unsettling, all that is claimed in here has actually taken place.

where the fuck do I start? I guess at the beginning of this mess…okay, so a few weeks ago, I fucking got pulled over. but for once, it wasn’t for speeding. I know, I’m amazed too. I had just pulled out of a parking lot in gresham, and had only turned my dash lights on, not realizing that I hadn’t pulled the little lever out the 2nd time, to turn on the headlights. I would have noticed it in a minute or two, except that a goddamn pig beat me to it and pulled me over. Motherfucker! So of course my car was towed, and I was left outside in the fucking freezing ass cold with my suitcase that was in the trunk, with one of my clients (Robert) who was in the car with me when I was pulled over. That really sucked. He ended up having to take a cab home all the way to Milwaukie from Gresham, and I called Jim and he came to get me and take me home. While I was waiting for him to get there, Robert and I were talking and he offered to give me the cash to get the car out of impound on tuesday, when my grandfather was going to be in town and able to help me get it back. I hate accepting help from people, when they don’t expect or want or ask to be paid back for it later. It just makes me feel kind of weird, or lame…like I’m a freeloader or something, which I definately do not want to be. But anyhow…so my dad came up tuesday and we spent several hours that day running all around town, first to the gresham police department to get the police release we needed for the tow yard. I had enough to cover that. But the tow yard wanted like $260, since the car had sat there for two or three days, which I find fucking ridiculous. so I had to explain to my grandfather that I had they money, but it was waiting for me in milwaukie and I hadn’t been able to pick it up before he got into town, since I didn’t have any way to get out there. so I called Robert and asked him if he was still able and willing to help me out with that, which he very cheerfully assured me that he was. so went to the tow yard, which ended up being the little place I am familiar with located directly around the corner from The Montavilla. Same place where Marcus and I went through a hole in the wire fence and made a very unsuccessful attempt to syphon some gasoline from one of the cars parked in the gravel lot that it surrounded, almost three years ago now. kinda funny. so my dad covered me for the tow yard, and they gave me the keys and opened the gate so I could pull out of it, and I was back on the road again. I have had so many cars towed in the last couple of years, and not once have I ever been able to retrieve any of them after they were towed. the little craptacular ford tempo was the very first one that I got back. so then I drove out to Dark Horse Comics, which is apparently where Robert works as an editor. My dad headed that way shortly after I did, and we ended up getting there at the same time. I called Robert from outside and told him I was there, and he came outside to meet me. My dad was across the street, a little further down from where we were, so we were kind of a diagonal distance from him, and he was of course standing outside of his car with his arms folded, leaning against the back of his car as he watched the two of us wave and walk up to each other. I didn’t know that it was going to play out that way, and I hadn’t expected him to see us together at all. we said hi and exchanged some brief words, then he gave me the cash and we hugged, and said goodbye. I knew walking back to where my dad was standing, that he hadn’t liked the sight of us hugging at all. Dad’s a little bit racist, and I was counting on him to make some sort of lame comment or ask some really stupid mildly annoying question having to do with Robert being black. I just rolled my eyes and he knows how I feel already, so it had nowhere else to go. I gave him the money, and it was done.

okay…so that’s great or whatever, got the car back. right? well, sure. but it’s not as simple as that, because I am actually on bench probation right now, from my last court date (that was fun…in troutdale, the city hall and police department and the courthouse are all housed within a giant barn with farm animals and everything…!) and so when I got pulled over for the lights not being on, that is a violation of my probation. that’s not good. the judge in troutdale had sentenced me to 20 motherfucking days in jail, on suspension. and now that’s been fucked up, which means that I very well may be doing that 20 days here very soon. have to go to court on the 20th of this month, and then I will have a slightly better idea of what is going to happen with that.

now, as if that isn’t bad enough…the next few days after the tempo was towed, I was stuck at the house and I slept a lot. I didn’t get high for a few days either. but after about three days in bed, I was really wanting a hit. By that time, I was dreaming about getting high. I woke up right before I was going to do the hit in the dream, which is how it always ends unless it lasts all the way through doing the hit, up until I pull the syringe out and wait expectantly for the rush to wash over me, and then I wake up. Either way, it’s fucking torture waking up from one of those just once, but I kept falling right back asleep, and the dream picked up right where it had left off and ended the same way- prematurely. so anyhow, eventually my mom made it over to jim’s that evening and brought me a hit to help me out because I felt like I was dying for one. I went in the bathroom and hit myself, and got so high after going a few days without, that it actually made me start dry heaving and I felt incredibly nauseous. anyways…since that night, it never really went away. I still felt sick to my stomach the next day, and the day after that, and all the way through the next couple of weeks. most of the time anything that I tried to eat, came right back up. I was sure that this batch of dope must have been somehow different, or stronger, or maybe that my health was declining and I wasn’t handling it so well for some reason. then finally after a couple horrible weeks of feeling miserable, my mom suggested that I go to the store and get a pregnancy test. I hadn’t even thought of that before she mentioned it, and when she did I laughed and told her that there was no way I could be pregnant, because I was on birth control, and have been for over a year. but just to be sure, I went and got one. the fucking thing tested positive. yeah…don’t have the heart left to go into the personal background on this topic, but let’s just say that two of the most traumatic experiences in my life have been abortions and things related to them. so in a way, I am very numbed to finding out that I will have to get another one. but in other ways, like when I stop to think about it (which I didn’t do much…) it is impossible to hold back tears that have been waiting somewhere very buried and almost not even existing anymore. I told Rick about it, and told him how much I wished that he could be here when I had to go to the clinic, and how much I wanted him to be with me there too. I had an appointment made for tuesday, and on saturday the possibility of asking him to fly up here monday and go with me finally showed up in my head. I didn’t expect a yes, and I would have understood if he couldn’t do it. I figured it was a long shot, especially since it was so soon and I figured a plane ticket would cost quite a bit on such short notice. I looked online, and it didn’t seem as steep as I had thought it would be. I hadn’t mentioned it to him, but the next morning when I woke up and checked my phone, he had sent me a message throwing that very idea out there, asking if he should catch a flight to portland so he could go with me. that was so fucking great. I jumped all over the opportunity, telling him yes and that I would help pay for his ticket if that was an issue. I was adamant that he not worry at all about the particulars of making it here, but just to somehow get here in time, and I would help take care of the rest. and he did. he got here. but…before he got here…only about five or six hours before he landed…I got in a bad car accident. My car was completely wrecked, and I hit some guy driving a truck. caved in the side of the truck pretty good. I guess I hadn’t seen the light change, and ended up running through a red. almost collided with a school bus, but managed to avoid that and ended up hitting the truck instead, pretty damn hard. smacked my head on my window hard enough to rattle things around in there pretty good. had a hell of a headache for the next few hours, even after popping a few aspirin. a witness to the accident called the fucking pigs right after it happened, which made me nervous. I thought they would be there pretty fast. so while I was watching her on her cell phone calling and reporting the accident and requesting that an officer, I dialed my mom and told her I had just gotten in a pretty bad accident and that the cops had been called, so I needed her to beat them to where I was, on the corner of 52nd and powell blvd. talked to the guy I hit while we were waiting for the cops to show up, and gave him all my info. told him I don’t have a license or insurance, and explained that I didn’t want to be around when the cops showed up because if I was, then I would be arrested. that didn’t seem to do the trick. I assured him that I would be able to pay cash for the necessary work on the truck, but he still wasn’t moving. so finally I offered to give him a couple hundred right then and there, as a starting payment on whatever it would cost to get it fixed. that got through to him. he wrote me a receipt and signed it, and then said “okay…let’s get out of here.” my mom had showed up right as I was giving him the cash, and we threw everything from my car into her’s and she was just getting back in the car when I saw a cop car sitting at the light on the corner, waiting to turn onto powell where my car was sitting, less than a block away. I pointed him out to her, told her to hurry the hell up and we were gone…but that was a close one. so I don’t even fucking know what is going to happen because of the accident. I know it won’t be good. I’m already in a fuckload of trouble. and it does kind of fucking suck knowing that I am going to jail for sure, and possibly for more than 20 days…what will I do with Bub? How will I stay sane in there when every fucking moment of consciousness will be spent worrying about him, wondering if he is okay and wanting to call and check on him several times every day. the longest I have ever been away from him was the two days I went to New Mexico to spend my birthday with Rick. And that was really hard for me…

but back to the good part of all this…rick is here! he is going back on sunday, and I don’t know how I will say goodbye to him and then somehow make it one more month after that until I see him again. but when he comes back in early december, it will be to stay for good. I can’t wait. I have been so fucking happy the last couple of days that we have been here at the motel 6 by mall 205 together. bub is here too. just like last summer. except totally different than last summer, because I am so in love with him and he knows that now, and he is in love with me too…but it doesn’t just stop there. such simple statements don’t hold even a fraction of the meaning involved in it. It’s…very fucking intense. I haven’t loved anyone in the way that I love him. Not a single soul. ever. I know he cares about me too, like really cares. he cares in the way that I have always wanted to be cared about, and haven’t ever felt

and that’s where I trailed off…
after making it that far, I got so tired that I fell asleep and told myself I would pick up where I left off and finish writing the rest when I woke up…why do I still believe myself when I say that?? I’m really note sure. I know myself well enough that I shouldn’t still fall for that old trick anymore. I guess I just always honestly believe that I will finish things I abandon prematurely…but it just never happens. It is impossible for me to pick up where I leave off on anything I write…but that’s okay. I am constantly reminding myself of that. The rest of the unfinished stories are always told. Just not as part of the same story, if that makes any sense. It all comes together as it goes…

losst

everything was
left to chance
leaving nothing
in anyone’s hands
so what now?
this doesn’t mean
I know how
to pick up
the mess you’ve
made of me
or how to
sculpt a new
self

I think that
all of this
has made
me want
to give up
being so
human
for a while
it’s never
been my
style
I really lose
my taste
for it
after I
go through
such a pile
of shit
that I was
sure started out
as something else

I have no need
for you
and I never did
my skin
starts to crawl
at the memory
of it all
thinking back
on the
crippling comfort
that was found
in the discomforting
misery of running
around and around
the same set
of circles
with you
for you
in the name of
replacing
me
and you
to make us

I didn’t fall
into any spell
that drew me
to you
I want to
make it clear
that I never
fell
into any sort
of love
for
with
or having
to do
with anything
about you
I can say
anything
to your face
and be
totally unmoved
every word
of it
is true
at some point
I may have
thought I knew
why my thoughts
were what they
seemed to be
once upon that
time ago
but now I know
how I arrived
at each little
mind-mistake
you were my
mistake
that at some point
I made the
mistake of
confusing with
another idea
It’s no wonder
you failed me
as badly
as you did
there was never
any way you
could have done
what was right
for me
if you were
the wrong one
my pride
and my ego
thought you
and your
helpless adoration
were a lotta fun
but that was all
I tried to tell you
after all

I am glad
that you
happened
and I am glad
that you’re over
when I derail
from this
train of thought
you will be
lying on it’s tracks
and I will be
unboarding
and you won’t
cross my mind
in any real way
for what I
can feel
will be
a very long
time

I’m not trying
to forget you
I’m trying to
remember
when things
were good
or at least
before they
got bad
when my
mind’s eyes
squint backwards
through my
memory
and I can
barely even
see
the scene
set for disaster
that is already
on its way
I realize
what it looks like
from so far away
the faded memory
that is all
that’s left
for me to see
today
It is so long ago
and lost
that I guess
I just got
lost with it
and didn’t even
know
lost and loss
are not the same
losing you
is finding me
you’re fading
into being forgotten
in my memory

Letting Go

it’s past
the point
of caring
I will
always be
me
I refuse
to insist
to be heard
by anyone
uninterested
I have
no interest
in them
there are
some mistakes
that I won’t
ever make
again
some of the
things
I gave to you
I will never
let go of
again

so I’ll keep
them all
here to myself
with myself
it’s where
I’ll stay
every day
it’s where
you can find me
if you ever
need to
or if I ever
someday
just show up
in your thoughts
unexpectedly
as part of
a series
of strong
memories
in case I ever
become part
of the way
you remember
things

when you
let go
you will
know
that I know
what I can
and can’t
handle
for the sake
of being
okay
it might make
no sense
at all
to you
but that
doesn’t mean
it isn’t true

flowers that bloom
into monsoons
of color and life
are still
flowers that die
in the same way
you and I
have wilted away

I won’t stop
making my way
in whatever way
I choose
I can’t ever lose
a loss like
you
again
I took
one last
risk
that we
agreed
was worth
taking
and it was
even if we
did lose
every last little
bit that
we bet
instead of
fading out
we burn
into our
descent
like a
strong-willed
sunset
leaving
an unmistakable
silhouette
free of regret
looks like
the smile
from the
frist night
we met

breaking together
in a way
that can’t be
overlooked
figuring out
what this ending
is really about
it’s something
we already know
that letting go
is harder
than love
lets us know

Left Open

left open
like a book
abandoned
half way
through
folded back
at the corner
to mark
the page
that will
never be
turned
the other
half
of this book
is nothing
but
blank pages
stopped
in the middle
of a sentence
a dialogue
that seems
and sounds
to be going
somewhere
that
drops off
into empty
page
after
page

better not
ever return
to a story
with no ending
once you
reach
and read
that marked
page
all you have
left to do
is close it
reopen it
and read
the same
half
over and over
again
and again
no matter
how many
times you
read it
it doesn’t have
an end

so I spent
enough
of wasting
time
time that
has been
lost forever
that could
have been
mine
that I tried
to give
to you
so there
could be
an us
but about
half way
through
I fell just
as hard out
as I did in
love with you
it isn’t true
anymore
what are
we doing
what do we
think we’re
fighting for

a lost cause
year and
a half long
pause
that resumes
just to
walk
taking
one step
backwards
and another
and another
until we
hate each other

sometimes
this time
to love
is to have
to let go
I know
you know
the truth

walking away
don’t look
back
because it
wasn’t
for lack
of love

the harder way
becomes
what is right
even if we
win
we lose
every fight
and along
with it
losing sight
of whatever
half thought-out
little fantasy
we had
in mind
all that time
exists forever
in two minds
that need now
to bury all of it
and not look back

goodbye

you’re never alone