I shouldn’t love you, but I do

I shouldn’t love you
But I do
I could say that I don’t
And know it isn’t true
Sometimes I wish I didn’t
Sometimes I don’t know
How I do
I could lie
Pretend to defy
what I feel
but instead
I think I’ll just
Be me
and who I am
Stupidly,
I’ll always try
To be a good friend

I guess there isn’t
very much
in such
a sad and small
little world
that ends up
equalling anything
at the end of the day
not tomorrow
not yesterday
and as far as I am concerned
Not even today
I don’t have much peace
with the thought
of wasting
what time we have
before one of us
loses the other
when I think of that
I honestly can’t find
any reasons that
are good enough
to spend the life
we live apart
from anyone we’ve ever
let inside out heart
when someday
the separation won’t end
someday
we’ll run out of time
to make amends

I’m glad I don’t do to you
some of the things
you have done to me
but I want you to know
that I really don’t
judge you by your actions
or think any thing less
of you for anything
I don’t want you to
waste time feeling
guilt or regretting
I’d rather you just kept
my heart in mind
when you do things
that could crush
or fuck with it
and if sometimes
you don’t
I won’t
let it mean
we have to lose
each other

I just want to know you
while we’re here
I try really hard
to make it clear
what I feel
matters most
that through good and bad
we don’t end up alone
I may feel anger
and I do
And I be in a lot of pain
from being hurt by
things you do

I might feel all alone
but I’m not
and I haven’t forgot
that the love I feel
makes the scars of
every dark thing
that I’ve felt
Melt
And just drip away
day by day
I will try not to take
too much time
to get over
whatever stupidity
wedges its way
between us
no matter what
no matter what you do
something you will
always have
is me
whatever that’s worth
or however much that means
all I really ever want
is for you to know that
so instead of lying to us both
I’ll just keep trying
to show that

Marc my words…

So about a week ago now, I caught up with Marcus again. We hadn’t seen each other at all in six months. He called me right after I went to Mike’s. Guess he was there right afterwards and Mike gave him my number. Anyways, we’ve hung out together a few times since then. We’ve managed not to fight at all yet, which is really nice. It’s like the old days. When we first met. Before all the hideous fighting, screaming, bullying, stealing, hitting and hurting. I have been trying really hard to do my part in not going down that path with him again. I think he’s been trying a lot too. I know that neither of us want to revisit any of that.

It was really good to see him again. I never stopped loving him, of course. I missed him a lot. I was really upset over some silly little things he said to me, but he explained his reason for saying them and it was actually legitimate. I had sort of forgotten about something that I had done right before that was kind of shitty of me, and I understand that he had been hurt by something I did that was careless and was saying them because of that. So I am not angry about it now at all. It feels much better to have no anger and no hurt and to have him back in my life again.

Anyways, I don’t really think I want to say much more. Well, I do…I have a lot more that I want to type here, but I think that the world should only be told so much of every story…never know who may be reading.

Love you, Marcus.

-Ashly

Rick is gone

Rick is gone. He’s been gone for weeks, maybe almost a month now. I am dead without him. A huge part of me has become roadkill somewhere between here and New Mexico. It hurts thinking about it right now, at almost two in the morning as I type this in the dark with Bub curled up under a blanket on the other end of this couch. God, I miss him. Like I absolutely cannot put into words. There are some things of an intensity that no words exist to describe them. I like to think it is because the world has never known them before, but I don’t think I really believe that. It’s just a silly egotistical thought. I guess I’m guilty of having a few of those, but at least I’m aware of it. I do think that I am able to feel more than most people. I don’t know if that’s really a good thing for me, but I am fairly certain it is the truth. For the most part, I think it blows. I would rather not have such a great capacity to feel, because the pain always swallows its happiness and leaves me with nothing to do but hurt. It’s like the better something is, the worse it eventually is for me. I tend to try and avoid relationships with people, or at least ones in which I would be vulnerable or have to trust another person with my emotions, which I rarely do. I don’t have nearly enough faith in the world to do something as stupid as that. But Rick has been the only exception to that in my entire life. He really has never let me down (still) and I have never really questioned whether or not he loves and/or cares about me, because I have just always known. He shows it well. He’s not from this world. I think he’s from mine. Or I’m from his. Or we come from the same place. I do know we happen to exist on the same wave length, I’ve known that since we met. That night when I went crazy crying hysterically and he was holding me and trying to calm me down, after telling me that he was going to go back to New Mexico, I told him that I loved him as much as I had always wanted someone to love me. I asked him if that made sense, and he said yes. I think he knew what I meant. But I wonder if he could possibly understand the importance of it to me, of how great it was, that I would do anything for him. I hope he knows how much I love him, because if he doesn’t then I am a failure at caring for someone who I care about more than almost anyone in the world.

I don’t want to go into great detail about the day he left, but it wasn’t pleasant at all. He actually hadn’t planned on leaving that day, but we got into an ugly argument, mostly because I blew up at him and acted like a total cunt, which I of course regret. It was really stupid of me. I was a hideous, it was wrong. I guess I just snapped. So saying goodbye was kind of awkward, I wanted to tell him how much I love him and hold him but I felt like I had no right to do that after making such an ass out of myself. We did remind each other that we were loved, and then he went into the bus station, and I drove off with Bub, headed to the coast to stay with my parents for a couple of days. In a fucked up way, I think we both in some way are okay with the way he left, because it certainly made it easier to say goodbye (not really easier, but superficially). I would have been nothing but a big bleeding broken heart making a mess all over the place if we hadn’t been arguing. I don’t know if I could have handled it. I’m sure Rick would have dealt with it much better than I did, but he has told me several times that he hates goodbyes too.

I have seriously been considering moving down there to stay with him. I really don’t think I would like it down there in NM, but who knows? I survived at the coast through some of the worst years of life, so I could pretty much take myself out of wherever I am and get lost in smaller realities within my own. I don’t think it would matter much where it was, it could probably be anywhere in the world and as long as he is there, I would be happy there with him. Got a few things I have to finish taking care of here first, if I decide to go. I think I will, at least just to visit. I can’t go too long without seeing him, or I will fade away completely. I really would. As strong as I am (because I am) and as bright as I glow, as vital as I may seem, he has understood me in a way that no other soul on this planet has ever come close to doing, and to have him and lose him would be more than enough to drain me dead.

I love you, Rick. I love you as much as I’ve always wanted someone to love me. Thank you…so much.

-Mona

I don’t know what to…call it, and I don’t even know what to say

“so…

this is all going to sound a little crazy, because that’s exactly what it is. I can’t imagine anyone reading this and actually believing so many different catastrophes could happen one after another in such a brief period of time. It will probably sound like a joke, or something right out of an outrageous talk show, like most of my life has turned out to be so far. but I don’t deliver deviations of truth, and although oftentimes a little unsettling, all that is claimed in here has actually taken place.

where the fuck do I start? I guess at the beginning of this mess…okay, so a few weeks ago, I fucking got pulled over. but for once, it wasn’t for speeding. I know, I’m amazed too. I had just pulled out of a parking lot in gresham, and had only turned my dash lights on, not realizing that I hadn’t pulled the little lever out the 2nd time, to turn on the headlights. I would have noticed it in a minute or two, except that a goddamn pig beat me to it and pulled me over. Motherfucker! So of course my car was towed, and I was left outside in the fucking freezing ass cold with my suitcase that was in the trunk, with one of my clients (Robert) who was in the car with me when I was pulled over. That really sucked. He ended up having to take a cab home all the way to Milwaukie from Gresham, and I called Jim and he came to get me and take me home. While I was waiting for him to get there, Robert and I were talking and he offered to give me the cash to get the car out of impound on tuesday, when my grandfather was going to be in town and able to help me get it back. I hate accepting help from people, when they don’t expect or want or ask to be paid back for it later. It just makes me feel kind of weird, or lame…like I’m a freeloader or something, which I definately do not want to be. But anyhow…so my dad came up tuesday and we spent several hours that day running all around town, first to the gresham police department to get the police release we needed for the tow yard. I had enough to cover that. But the tow yard wanted like $260, since the car had sat there for two or three days, which I find fucking ridiculous. so I had to explain to my grandfather that I had they money, but it was waiting for me in milwaukie and I hadn’t been able to pick it up before he got into town, since I didn’t have any way to get out there. so I called Robert and asked him if he was still able and willing to help me out with that, which he very cheerfully assured me that he was. so went to the tow yard, which ended up being the little place I am familiar with located directly around the corner from The Montavilla. Same place where Marcus and I went through a hole in the wire fence and made a very unsuccessful attempt to syphon some gasoline from one of the cars parked in the gravel lot that it surrounded, almost three years ago now. kinda funny. so my dad covered me for the tow yard, and they gave me the keys and opened the gate so I could pull out of it, and I was back on the road again. I have had so many cars towed in the last couple of years, and not once have I ever been able to retrieve any of them after they were towed. the little craptacular ford tempo was the very first one that I got back. so then I drove out to Dark Horse Comics, which is apparently where Robert works as an editor. My dad headed that way shortly after I did, and we ended up getting there at the same time. I called Robert from outside and told him I was there, and he came outside to meet me. My dad was across the street, a little further down from where we were, so we were kind of a diagonal distance from him, and he was of course standing outside of his car with his arms folded, leaning against the back of his car as he watched the two of us wave and walk up to each other. I didn’t know that it was going to play out that way, and I hadn’t expected him to see us together at all. we said hi and exchanged some brief words, then he gave me the cash and we hugged, and said goodbye. I knew walking back to where my dad was standing, that he hadn’t liked the sight of us hugging at all. Dad’s a little bit racist, and I was counting on him to make some sort of lame comment or ask some really stupid mildly annoying question having to do with Robert being black. I just rolled my eyes and he knows how I feel already, so it had nowhere else to go. I gave him the money, and it was done.

okay…so that’s great or whatever, got the car back. right? well, sure. but it’s not as simple as that, because I am actually on bench probation right now, from my last court date (that was fun…in troutdale, the city hall and police department and the courthouse are all housed within a giant barn with farm animals and everything…!) and so when I got pulled over for the lights not being on, that is a violation of my probation. that’s not good. the judge in troutdale had sentenced me to 20 motherfucking days in jail, on suspension. and now that’s been fucked up, which means that I very well may be doing that 20 days here very soon. have to go to court on the 20th of this month, and then I will have a slightly better idea of what is going to happen with that.

now, as if that isn’t bad enough…the next few days after the tempo was towed, I was stuck at the house and I slept a lot. I didn’t get high for a few days either. but after about three days in bed, I was really wanting a hit. By that time, I was dreaming about getting high. I woke up right before I was going to do the hit in the dream, which is how it always ends unless it lasts all the way through doing the hit, up until I pull the syringe out and wait expectantly for the rush to wash over me, and then I wake up. Either way, it’s fucking torture waking up from one of those just once, but I kept falling right back asleep, and the dream picked up right where it had left off and ended the same way- prematurely. so anyhow, eventually my mom made it over to jim’s that evening and brought me a hit to help me out because I felt like I was dying for one. I went in the bathroom and hit myself, and got so high after going a few days without, that it actually made me start dry heaving and I felt incredibly nauseous. anyways…since that night, it never really went away. I still felt sick to my stomach the next day, and the day after that, and all the way through the next couple of weeks. most of the time anything that I tried to eat, came right back up. I was sure that this batch of dope must have been somehow different, or stronger, or maybe that my health was declining and I wasn’t handling it so well for some reason. then finally after a couple horrible weeks of feeling miserable, my mom suggested that I go to the store and get a pregnancy test. I hadn’t even thought of that before she mentioned it, and when she did I laughed and told her that there was no way I could be pregnant, because I was on birth control, and have been for over a year. but just to be sure, I went and got one. the fucking thing tested positive. yeah…don’t have the heart left to go into the personal background on this topic, but let’s just say that two of the most traumatic experiences in my life have been abortions and things related to them. so in a way, I am very numbed to finding out that I will have to get another one. but in other ways, like when I stop to think about it (which I didn’t do much…) it is impossible to hold back tears that have been waiting somewhere very buried and almost not even existing anymore. I told Rick about it, and told him how much I wished that he could be here when I had to go to the clinic, and how much I wanted him to be with me there too. I had an appointment made for tuesday, and on saturday the possibility of asking him to fly up here monday and go with me finally showed up in my head. I didn’t expect a yes, and I would have understood if he couldn’t do it. I figured it was a long shot, especially since it was so soon and I figured a plane ticket would cost quite a bit on such short notice. I looked online, and it didn’t seem as steep as I had thought it would be. I hadn’t mentioned it to him, but the next morning when I woke up and checked my phone, he had sent me a message throwing that very idea out there, asking if he should catch a flight to portland so he could go with me. that was so fucking great. I jumped all over the opportunity, telling him yes and that I would help pay for his ticket if that was an issue. I was adamant that he not worry at all about the particulars of making it here, but just to somehow get here in time, and I would help take care of the rest. and he did. he got here. but…before he got here…only about five or six hours before he landed…I got in a bad car accident. My car was completely wrecked, and I hit some guy driving a truck. caved in the side of the truck pretty good. I guess I hadn’t seen the light change, and ended up running through a red. almost collided with a school bus, but managed to avoid that and ended up hitting the truck instead, pretty damn hard. smacked my head on my window hard enough to rattle things around in there pretty good. had a hell of a headache for the next few hours, even after popping a few aspirin. a witness to the accident called the fucking pigs right after it happened, which made me nervous. I thought they would be there pretty fast. so while I was watching her on her cell phone calling and reporting the accident and requesting that an officer, I dialed my mom and told her I had just gotten in a pretty bad accident and that the cops had been called, so I needed her to beat them to where I was, on the corner of 52nd and powell blvd. talked to the guy I hit while we were waiting for the cops to show up, and gave him all my info. told him I don’t have a license or insurance, and explained that I didn’t want to be around when the cops showed up because if I was, then I would be arrested. that didn’t seem to do the trick. I assured him that I would be able to pay cash for the necessary work on the truck, but he still wasn’t moving. so finally I offered to give him a couple hundred right then and there, as a starting payment on whatever it would cost to get it fixed. that got through to him. he wrote me a receipt and signed it, and then said “okay…let’s get out of here.” my mom had showed up right as I was giving him the cash, and we threw everything from my car into her’s and she was just getting back in the car when I saw a cop car sitting at the light on the corner, waiting to turn onto powell where my car was sitting, less than a block away. I pointed him out to her, told her to hurry the hell up and we were gone…but that was a close one. so I don’t even fucking know what is going to happen because of the accident. I know it won’t be good. I’m already in a fuckload of trouble. and it does kind of fucking suck knowing that I am going to jail for sure, and possibly for more than 20 days…what will I do with Bub? How will I stay sane in there when every fucking moment of consciousness will be spent worrying about him, wondering if he is okay and wanting to call and check on him several times every day. the longest I have ever been away from him was the two days I went to New Mexico to spend my birthday with Rick. And that was really hard for me…

but back to the good part of all this…rick is here! he is going back on sunday, and I don’t know how I will say goodbye to him and then somehow make it one more month after that until I see him again. but when he comes back in early december, it will be to stay for good. I can’t wait. I have been so fucking happy the last couple of days that we have been here at the motel 6 by mall 205 together. bub is here too. just like last summer. except totally different than last summer, because I am so in love with him and he knows that now, and he is in love with me too…but it doesn’t just stop there. such simple statements don’t hold even a fraction of the meaning involved in it. It’s…very fucking intense. I haven’t loved anyone in the way that I love him. Not a single soul. ever. I know he cares about me too, like really cares. he cares in the way that I have always wanted to be cared about, and haven’t ever felt

and that’s where I trailed off…
after making it that far, I got so tired that I fell asleep and told myself I would pick up where I left off and finish writing the rest when I woke up…why do I still believe myself when I say that?? I’m really note sure. I know myself well enough that I shouldn’t still fall for that old trick anymore. I guess I just always honestly believe that I will finish things I abandon prematurely…but it just never happens. It is impossible for me to pick up where I leave off on anything I write…but that’s okay. I am constantly reminding myself of that. The rest of the unfinished stories are always told. Just not as part of the same story, if that makes any sense. It all comes together as it goes…

Fire

Feeble-flamed
Thought to have
Blown out
With the passing
Wind
Winding this way
Almost
Looks like
New fire
Coming from
Nowhere
Sparked by
No one
A light’s
Little burn
Looms like a
Shadow
Of the lost blaze
Before it
Comes coming
Right back
Fierce-colored
Set against the black
Of only a
Moment ago

Perfect entrance
Who’s heart
Wouldn’t be won
With a set of flaws
Like those?
The crowd is asked
And no one knows
But it’s seeen in the
Flailing flames
Some secret
Some shooting star
Shot across
Its eye
You’re its secret
It keeps you well
Safe from being
Known

This was for you
This fire’s fire
Splits in two
Twisting twirls
Spitting sparks
The little
Liquid lava
That flows
Between
These hearts
Our eruption
Like some
Silent something
Heard how
To see hears
The eyes ears
The sound is seen
The sound is known

Waking up with
My dreams
That don’t like me
Anymore than
I like them
And without you
Can’t shake
Unawake
What you take
That I’m left with
Without you

Spinning & Winning: Another Beginning

A single
Spoonful
Of syrup
Every bit
As sweet
As sugar
Can take
The perfect
Place
Of the
Medicine
We try to
Chase
Hoping to
Avoid
Its empty
Aftertaste
A thousand
Teaspoons
Filled with
Nothing
Just
A great big
Waste

It is the
Way around
The medicine
That pulls
Me down

R
Around
This
It’s
All that
There is
Given
In
I’m giving
Off
Something
So much
Brighter
So much
Infinately
Greater
Than any glow
We know
As I rethink
What we
Both
Think
We know

Like spinning
In circles
Until you’re
Dizzy
Just for fun
Losing your
Balance
In whatever
Measure
You thought
You’d started
Out with

Spinning
Into somewhere
That’s
Something
Deeper
Around it
I revolve
I do it again
And again
And then
I completely
Dissolve
There’s nothing
Left
To solve
The thrill-thrive
Secret
Behind the
Spinning
Is that in
The blur
Surrounding it
I can
See us
Winning

My time
With the
Tea fairy
Is twice
The treat
Of anything
Intrinsically
Artificially
Or otherwise
Sweet

Do I have regret?
You bet
But none
Of them
Are that
We met

All I can do
Is try to
Squeeze into
A smile
A few sizes
Too much
Sometimes
To even touch
Far too wide
For my face
Too far
Inside my heart
To hide
From the
Only one
I ever let
Look in

Baby, we win

I’m sorry if
I’ve seemed
Adrift
While I might
Have
You have
Been
So missed
If you don’t
Believe me
I can show you
It all comes
Complete
In a single
Kiss
Take this
That I’ve been
Saving
Keeping safe
Stashed
Very far away
From anything
Encountered
In any day
That I’ve spent
Too far
Away
From you

Let me
Let me again
You can do that
If I could let you in
And I did

And here it goes
In eerie timing
With this heat
Between us
As it grows

It’s there
If you can’t see it
It just doesn’t
Mean it away
Into nothing
It is so much
Bigger
Than me
Or than you
Bigger even
Than the
Energy
That comes
From us
As two

There is
A strange
Surge
A butterly-in-your-stomach
Urge
That feels just
Like a sacred
Secret
Said only once
That you can
Never quite
Put back into
Words
The way
You heard
But you won’t
Ever forget
The sound
The relief
The sound
Belief
When it
Shows itself
To you
So much so
That your
Doubt
Can never
Again
Win out

There is nothing
Left to solve
The soul
You helped
Reshape
And nurture
And that
You called
Attromonasly
When I hesitate
Gently
You admonish me

I’m ready
To catch up
Run as fast
And as far
Ahead of me
As you want

KQ & Attro

“Hi, Kevin”

I remember
Last November
The 1st time
Knew which
Door you were
Behind
8420
Was the only
One left
Cracked open
For me

I saw you
All at once
Watching you
Across the room
The way you spoke
The way you moved
And then you
Bring out that smile

I followed you
Up the stairs
Same set of stairs
That later
I would stand on
As I turned around
To look at you
And say
“So are you going
To come up here
And fuck me, or what?”
I think I made you blush
No, I know I did
You smiled
And tried not
To laugh
But you did

Why make a long
Story short?
When it’s a
Story of this sort
No one wants it
To end
We’re a fairy-tale
And those don’t fail
So hear it again
Hear me say it
One more time
This is good
Stay with it
Be mine<

I will always
Be sorry
For a few
Things
Damn myself
For pitching
Priceless rings
Like the time
You smashed
All of the poems
That used to
Cover and
Sweetly smother
Every wall
In this room
For a while there
It was pretty
Rid of “us”
Have to believe
Even when it
Can’t be seen
In that trust
And without
Exception
It always
Pulls through

No need to break
It’s time to take
A much-deserved
Break from breaking
Nothing can take
The magic
We still
Vibrantly make