Better ride this ride while I’m on it…

This is not done…
This is for you, Rick. I wasn’t going to post it unfinished, but I got stuck for some reason and if I don’t post it now it may never make it on here. I have much more to say, and I will.

It’s nighttime where I am
What does it look like
Where you are?
Here where I am
It’s too dark to see
Much of anything
If there is even
Anything there

Maybe when it
Gets light
It will reveal
A world as empty
As I feel
I know I’ve lost you
But I can’t
Let it be real

Not yet
The hurting
Is on hold
On the other end
Of the line
Across the thousands
Of miles between
your world
and mine

But since it is
Pain meant for me
It’s impatient like I am
And it warns me
That it won’t hold for long
After it agrees to wait
It reminds me
That I’m not as strong
Now that I’m
Without you

I wish it wouldn’t
Start at all
Because I know
Once it does
I can’t stop it
I wish it would see
How little I have left
And out of mercy
Overlook me
But it won’t

And I won’t
Know what to do
Love like this
Isn’t even love
There is no way
To say it
There are no words
For what it weighs
To lose it
Or betray it

I know you know this
But I’m sorry
For everything
That made it
Come untrue
For everything
I could have done
But didn’t
Couldn’t
Or wouldn’t do
I’m sorry that
I couldn’t keep alive
What we had
That made me feel
Alive
But I hope you know
How hard I tried
I know you know
How hard I cried
And I want you to know
I will cry like that
Again

And it won’t be
The same as when
You were there to
Hold me
And to be there
As my witness
To see
How I feel
Rather than just
Hearing it
How I say it

I wanted you to see
In every tear
that I meant
every word you hear
When I tell you
How much I love you
I wanted my sobbing
And the sound of my
Heart aching
To tell you
What it meant
If you left
And what you’d be taking
almost everything

I know
I had to let you go
But so many
Slaughters ago
My heart was doing
Better than you’re
Leaving it now

Like a giant wave
With a whirpool
To be my grave
Rising and gathering
My heart is stuck
In the tidal wave’s
Crush
As it crashes
And turns to ashes
Against a bed
Of deadly rocks

The storm
Is formed
Around the

here I am…

here I am… it’s winter now
I don’t know how
I survived another
fucking summer
but I did
and here I am
breathing
and speaking
and moving
and thinking
doesn’t really
mean I have
survived at all
maybe that’s a

stupid thing
to think


it’s always
almost autumn
down here
at rock bottom
but we’re used
to that
it’s just a
matter of an
unfair fact
we maybe used
to be just a little
bitter about it
but we’ve been
over it for a
while now
can’t explain how
but believe it
we know
what we’re
talking about
and besides,
no one really
gives a shit
anyways…

mirror, mirror
on this wall
who do you see
like a fly on the wall
you probably
see it all
should I ask?
try to grasp
whatever it says

maybe I have to know…
Mirror, Mirror
On the wall
Who is the one
I would love to see fall?

Like the leaves off
the trees
amber colored
just like these
dying in piles
that grow and grow
as they please
like defeat
as you drop
to your knees

I have just as much
of a right
to pick a fight
with any group
or person
that I reserve the
right to judge
as anyone else
on this fiery
function backwards
backyard
of hell
but I can’t
I just know what
I am
I’m just one
of them
I may be as
wrong about them
as they are
about me
but since there is
no way to see
laughter is my
lantern
I move in the
delight
it sheds on
all the nothing
in front of me
I hope no one cries
because of me

hey
so just because
you’re a beauty sleeping
doesn’t mean you’re
sleeping beauty
because goddamnit
I can’t wake you up
no little earthquakes
could shake you up

losst

everything was
left to chance
leaving nothing
in anyone’s hands
so what now?
this doesn’t mean
I know how
to pick up
the mess you’ve
made of me
or how to
sculpt a new
self

I think that
all of this
has made
me want
to give up
being so
human
for a while
it’s never
been my
style
I really lose
my taste
for it
after I
go through
such a pile
of shit
that I was
sure started out
as something else

I have no need
for you
and I never did
my skin
starts to crawl
at the memory
of it all
thinking back
on the
crippling comfort
that was found
in the discomforting
misery of running
around and around
the same set
of circles
with you
for you
in the name of
replacing
me
and you
to make us

I didn’t fall
into any spell
that drew me
to you
I want to
make it clear
that I never
fell
into any sort
of love
for
with
or having
to do
with anything
about you
I can say
anything
to your face
and be
totally unmoved
every word
of it
is true
at some point
I may have
thought I knew
why my thoughts
were what they
seemed to be
once upon that
time ago
but now I know
how I arrived
at each little
mind-mistake
you were my
mistake
that at some point
I made the
mistake of
confusing with
another idea
It’s no wonder
you failed me
as badly
as you did
there was never
any way you
could have done
what was right
for me
if you were
the wrong one
my pride
and my ego
thought you
and your
helpless adoration
were a lotta fun
but that was all
I tried to tell you
after all

I am glad
that you
happened
and I am glad
that you’re over
when I derail
from this
train of thought
you will be
lying on it’s tracks
and I will be
unboarding
and you won’t
cross my mind
in any real way
for what I
can feel
will be
a very long
time

I’m not trying
to forget you
I’m trying to
remember
when things
were good
or at least
before they
got bad
when my
mind’s eyes
squint backwards
through my
memory
and I can
barely even
see
the scene
set for disaster
that is already
on its way
I realize
what it looks like
from so far away
the faded memory
that is all
that’s left
for me to see
today
It is so long ago
and lost
that I guess
I just got
lost with it
and didn’t even
know
lost and loss
are not the same
losing you
is finding me
you’re fading
into being forgotten
in my memory

The Never Sever

Never
Whatever
You said
That you
Never
Wanted
To hear
From me
Ever
Again
And since
Then
The everything
That has
Become
Our
Great big
Equal
To nothing
Sum
Has insisted
That the
Relentless
Seemingly
Endless
Left me
Spent
Bull shit
Persist
What the
Fuck is this?
A bad ending
To an
Otherwise
Incredible story
I know
We’re both
Sorry

Do I miss you?
Sure,
I miss you
But I’ve been
Missing you
For much longer
Than this
Time we’ve
Spent Apart
A very
Eventual
Breaking
Of this heart
And every time
It starts
To end
It starts
Back up
Again
I think I can
Remember
When
I felt
Closer to you
Than anyone
Else
Close enough
To
Make me
Think I
Know my
Someone else
Myself
But now
When I hear
All those
Frozen moments
Crystallized in
Time
That are
Forever
Yours & mine
They just don’t
All echo the
Same way
When I hear
You re-tell
Them all
Today

It’s okay
It’s no one’s
Fault
For feeling
Or for making
Into monsters
Those we’ve
Loved the most
But it is a sad thing
Like throwing out
A lost forever ring
When so much
Love is right there
In your heart
And spilling
Out into
Your hands
That you hold
Out to
Someone
That could have
All that love
And something
Like that
You just don’t
Turn down
And you stand there
Trying to hold it all
Long enough
To hand it all off
To the only one
In a whole world
Who you meant
For it to belong
But before you
Showed up
Too much
Had gone wrong
And you stand
And you try
And you won’t
Ever really figure
Out exactly why
Whatever went
Wrong
Was strong enough
To keep
The only one
In a whole world
Just out of
Your reach

You just wait
Because it’s
The only thing
You know how
To do
Because there
Is nothing else
To try
The sleepy
Spell that
Spreads across
Your view
Threatens
To never
Leave you
All of nothing
That you know
Could be true
So what
With all that love
Do you
Then do?
You just wait
And hold onto
As much of
All that love
As you can save
For someone
Who will never
Be saved
You wait
And you wait
With no promise
That anyone
Will ever
Really wake
The spell
May never
Dissipate
The sleep
That keeps
Them paralyzed
Might never lift
You might
Stand there
Forever
Staring right at
Them
And never get
To give your gift
You just get
To wait
For something
That will never
Happen
You get to give
And give
And give

Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping
I’ve been
Sleeping
And
“Beauty”
He says

I will never
Forget
The things
I can’t
Forgive
Myself for
Forgiving
You

Yes,
It’s sad
But not
At all
Untrue

Looking for any
Of the words
Inside my
Sleeping-for-so-long
Mind
Reaching out
For any
Of them
I can find
Seems like I
Said them so
Many times
To pass the time
Spent under
Our spell
Here
All frozen
Left to wonder
If
The spell
Would ever
Lift

It needs more than this…

Like looking
Into
And then
Through
A mirror
Do you hear her?

There
Unfair

“Let me go”
Imminent
Need to leave
For so many
Reasons
You chose then
Not to see

Watching
Loving
And
Knowing
From a distance
I miss this
What is “this?”
Only the part
That being apart
Will keep us
From ever
Finding out

It is not what this
Is at all about

How about
We corner
Demon Doubt
And just fucking
Take him out
Like that
For taking
Too many
Of our
Dreams
In our
Hundred years
Of unsure sleep

Here’s the part
You can always keep

Wasn’t sure
If today would
Ever come
I could be looking
At you
Forever
Forced to
Always
Remember
Here in the
Stillness
That we are
Stuck in
That we might
Never get out of

I didn’t think we would…

Trying is lying
Dead things
Are done dying
And behind them
They leave
Lucid little
Scenes-within-scenes
Just like these
A sea of rocking
Memories

What is left?
Rapidly
Ever after
The autumnal
Theft?
Once upon
A time ago
It was time
For me
To go
Right about
In time
With the
Couple days
Covered in snow
Not sure how
You couldn’t know
Maybe you did
Who knows
What we hid

Trees
Lose all
Their leaves
In blizzards
Like these
Then wait
For the
Nothing
That they
Always
Expect

Warmth & its
Whims
Will return
When it wins
And the ice
Melts away
Day by
Warmer
Day
Until all
Of a sudden
Here we
Are again

Love has it all
Right there
In its hand
The infinite
Fragments
Of the world’s
Broken hearts
It holds them
So strangely
With so much
Care
As if to make
Any one of them
Any smaller
Would be
Attrocity

That’s all I see
Little separated
Parts of what
Were once
Whole hearts
A set of eyes
Belongs to each

Always so surprised
To see the same
Scenery
When you stop
To look
All the way around
Yourself

How’d I fall right
Back in this?
I don’t know
I only remember
Last November
And how then
I didn’t want
To be with
Or to spend
The kind of time
Like the time
We’ve had
Since then
But it’s been
What it’s been

I don’t want it
Ever again

winter splinter

I ‘m falling
Apart
One part
After another

I’m falling
Down
On the world
Like snow
Half of me
Is already
On the ground
Watching
From below

As the rest
Of me
Disintiprecipitates
Bitter
Like
Winter

I’m falling away
From who I am
Following whatever
Into feeling
Feelings
That I have never
Felt before
Sometimes
It just sounds
Better
To not feel
Them
At all
Instead

I’m pretty lost
In becoming
All this frost
Maybe I’m
Just changing
With the
Time of year
The manic-depressive
Drop
From hot
To cold
And then
To not
Seasonal swing
Between
Two opposite
Things
Everything
You See
In perfect
Nonsense
Harmony
Strung-Out
Like a string
Of pearls
Dull little glow
Is all that
Shows

Eclipse

The world has been
Growing gradually
Darker
One shade
At a time
Everything in it
Lost its color
A long time ago
And now
Something moves
Closer & closer to it
Don’t know
What it is
But I can tell
It’s something
Very big
And absolute
It casts a shadow
Over the world
Making
The fading
As it so slowly
Moves closer
Until it crosses
Across
This
Eclipse


Good-for-nothing
In the dark
Eyes that can’t
Adapt
Believe
When I say
I live in this world
Where belief
Comes in blisters
Blistered into
Expecting nothing
Sometimes
You’ll find
The purest is
The strongest,
Hardest to break
Kind of mind
Breaking down
What’s good
Bringing down around
As this broken mind
Breaks down
It’s been taken
One step
Too far
And now it can’t
Find its way back
To where it
Used to be
Passing each
Of each other’s
Blackening
There was me

Shadow so big
It eats the world
Whole
It’s dark so deep
Chaos loses
Control
Still has that
Tight grip
On me
And it’s becoming
Easier to see
As I go from
The disintigrating
Breaking apart
And away
From who I remember
Was me


A few days
Don’t do as much
As they used to
Goddamnit
There’s no god to
Damn it
And I’m too busy
Damning myself
Not turning out
To be any stronger
Or better
Than anyone else
It’s just real
When you’re losing
Hope thins into
A dream
Hard to chase
Dreams
Waking up
Every time
To every reason
To hold back
As much of it
That can be
Kept at bay
Inescapable reminders
Every day
I’m on my way
Down
Look around
I don’t want to
Already know
What it looks like
Here
So with my eyes
Closed
That devestation
Like a closing throat
Feels like
Suffocation



Trembling uncontrollably
Crying hard
Alone with me
I looked at myself
Reflected in some
Empty mirror
I looked
In every part I saw
For any trace of me
For the smallest
Something
That would catch
My own eye
To reassure
My frantic need
To match it
With something
In my head
And there was
Nothing there
That I could find
Not one
Unchangeable feature
I would have thought
Would always be
Mine


Resting up
Just to wear
Down again
It’s catching up
To me
I can’t keep up
With it
It closes in
Coming at me
Rapidly
Now here I am
Ready for another
Run
Running right into
The ground
Running around
And around
On a wheel
Turn around
And run the
Other way


Holding on
It won’t take long
It was easy to
Keep thinking
That as it got closer
It wasn’t going to be
Tomorrow
Or the day after
And it wasn’t today
Creeps up from
Behind
Hits hard
Catching you blind
The lowest of blows
After that hit
It’s felt everywhere
How much it
Takes
Makes it hard
To get up from it
Again
Not ever going to
Recover from that
Kept a little more down
From that first fall
Locked into
The focus of
Nursing that wound
And tearing it open
Again
Exhaustion
And it comes
When there’s more
Pain left than
There is any of you
Time to rest
Feels like death
And hell to wake up to

i{content: normal !important}i{content: normal !important}

LITTLE RED

Deviate
Away
Away from
The way you know
Clearly mapped path
From Granny’s &
Back to home

‘My My!
What big eyes you have!’

‘The better to see into and right
Through you with, my dear…’

‘What big ears you have!’

‘All the better to know how hard
That heart of yours pounds, my dear…’

‘And oh my!
What big teeth you have!’

‘The Better to…
Be the only one to…
Bite into all
Of you…’

Little Red
Is dead
Red
Just like
The blood
She bled

Packs of wolves
All wearing grins
Smiling wide
Hollowed out
Inside
Despite
All that life
That they
Absolutely
Have to take
Again and again
Look at them grin

Red Riding Hood
If only she
Had understood
What now
She knows
Two eyes that
Open
And
Close
They
Open
And they
Close

‘My! What big hunger you have!’

‘All the better
To remember
You the way
You taste,
Feel and look
Today
Forever
Never ever
Deviate
Away from
The way you know…

You may fall in love
Or die
You could consume
And become consumed
Or doomed

Little Red
Riding Hood
Just another stain
In the snow now

Riding Hood
Redder than
The real thing
Just another stain
In the snow now…

They pretend they don’t know how…

Web of wolves
They are all the
Same wolf
Just many clones
Of one wolf
That all cling to
The turning into
A red little
Stain in the purest
White snow
Of grabbing
Something beautiful
By its throat
To watch it struggle
And stop
To have stopped it
Letting it go
No
Further
Holding it tight
In those perverse paws
That reach out
To touch them
With no idea
Of what they’re doing
Not wanting to
Let them go
Watching them
As they slow
To a stop
Middle of their
Animation
Still
And stiff
Let go
To blow
Away on the wind
Like a kiss
Make a wish

Don’t deviate